Science Girl

My mind appears to have a mind of its own. I don’t control it, it controls me. We can’t be in the same room anymore. Everyday is a constant rollercoaster; I can’t deal with it anymore. Life is becoming unmanageable. I feel like a helpless child and I feel tired, exhausted and frail. I don’t see the point anymore. I just want to lie down and go to sleep and not wake up; I just want life to be over. No more struggling.

On a side note, I am going home to see the parents, I haven’t seen them in 3 months. I am hiding them from everything inside. I already feel like I am starting to go slightly crazier than normal, Im twitchy with bizzare thoughts and talking to myself a lot… When I get back I hope to go all out and just let the destructive side surface, I can’t keep it down much longer..

I’m not seeinging things like I used to, but I am constantly getting strange whispers and being told things and I feel connected to a strong black force.

I had a session on Thursday with the CPN, I ended up crying for the entire session, I dont think i have ever cried that much or that hard in all my life, it truely hurt and i felt nothing but eternal sadness that will do nothing but last forever.

I feel like I am spending every day walking around with a huge gaping hole inside me and i just dont know what to fill it up with and its hurting and getting bigger and taking over me. I dont feel like a person anymore, i feel guilty for being alive and i just ache, hurt and feel sad all over and I really just want to be left alone to die. I shouldnt feel this way, but I do, i have always felt this way and I dont ever see it changing, i wish i could see what other people seem to see in my future, but i feel blind. I cant see it. My soul feels stained and I feel that my chance of having a happy life has been totally and utterly destroyed and obliterated.I am dirty, weak and worthless.

deep down where it really counts i am a monster and nothing anyone can do will change that. I can not stop thinking of suicide and I wish i could stop thinking and making half assed attempts and just do it because i am looking even more pathetic for being this way.

I don’t know when it all really started, but I don’t believe anyone could call me a liar for saying that I have always felt like It has been part of me. I feel like I have a major dark side, I think everyone probably does, but mine just seems to be feeding off my shit life and growing larger day by day.

It’s like a bad, corrupt, greedy right wing political party gaining control of my body, thoughts, morals and enforcing new legislations and regulations. I don’t want this, I am trying to rebel but things just come down even harder and i am opressed and depressed even further. I feel like I am being pushed around and manipulated and overall being controled and treat like a slave. I just have to shut up and take it.

There is no democracy inside my weakening system and any kind of terrorist attack i undertake on it only backfires and ends up harming me even more

Things have been really hard.

Friday (yesterday) was a very hard one. I had been awake for 24hours or so and then went to college for 9, I felt active, so i walked, I collected my prescription from town and also the post from my old house and got to college on time! I had been feeling incredibly suicidal, I just don’t care about anything anymore, I feel as though I am being rational and weighing things up and it just doesn’t make sense for me to be here.

My CPN called because I have to go to court because of council tax, even though mine is all paid thanks to housing benifit and they are being unfair wanting me to pay the rest of the bill that the 4 people I lived with didn’t pay! I am on benefits, I can’t afford this. When she called I told her how I felt, I said I just don’t want to do anything anymore, I had had enough of seeing her and all the other stuff that came with it, she tried to reason with me and I told her I just didn’t want to hear it, it was all wrong and lies. I hung up on her.

She text me a few moments later to tell me that I had an appointment in about an hours time with the Psych and a Nurse at the hospital, I called her up to ask why and she said that I had told her I don’t want to see her again and acted suicidal and needed to be assesed.

I went along to the appointment and There was my Psychiatrist there, Dr R, who is now on leave and who I only saw 10 days prior and there was also my CPNs boss…   We talked, I told them I didn’t care, they told me I had been improving, I told them bullshit and they decided to refer me back to the day service at the clinic. Every day for 8 weeks or something stupid. I’m not going, they can shove it.

Dr R also gave me a prescription for some temazepam to get me through the weekend, as it was nearly 5 when I got out of the appointment, i tried to cash my script in, only to find that she hadn’t filled it it properly and they wouldn’t cash it.   >.< I screwed the script up in front of the pharmacist and put it in the bin and walked off. I called up the clinic to tell them it was shit.

So then that evening, I decided to go out and got drunk and took drugs and now I feel even shitter, but for a few hours last night, i didn’t mind being alive.

My CPNs boss is calling me on Monday. I don’t know why, I will answer but I wont be co-operative. I asked her and my CPN and psychiatrist to destroy all my files and things, but they wouldn’t. I’m scared when I die, my family will get my notes and see them and ughhh, also I told my CPN i don’t want to see her, because i don’t want  her getting sacked when I do it.

Let me see, it’s been a while since I last blogged. I don’t know why I haven’t, I don’t really think I have felt anything in a while, I haven’t done anything or been anywhere. I guess I have just been in a daze coping.

Actually, I lie. I have been feeling alot recently, very depressed. Suicidal. I guess I have just blanked it. My wrist is currently in a splint as I repeatedly slammed books on it on Tuesday night. I had hardback books and textbooks piled on top of eachother, balancing them and letting them smash down on my wrist. I ended up at the walk-in centre with a massivly swollen wrist, but I didn’t manage to break it, which was what I had hoped for.

When I saw my psychiatrist on Tuesday she asked me tonnes of questions about tablets I take as recently I had been swallowing a lot of painkillers, just for the crack. I don’t care. She ended up taking my blood to test it. I also go quizzed about carrying a knife with me and she suggested I get a panick alarm, which I said was stupid.

I got my dosage raised. I am taking a lot of quetiapine and I feel it numbing me. I have the most craziest dreams on it and feel dreadful in the morning and then have to take a morning dose.

I don’t feel like I am here anymore. I feel dead inside.

I feel i can’t go on anymore. I’m sick of feeling chronically depressed, I feel my life has no worth and the longer i stay alive, the more bad things happen.

I have been pyhsically, emotionally and sexually abused by different people, I hate myself and there is no undoing what is done or the hate.

I keep getting told to think of myself and not others feelings, i am only alive because I don’t want to hurt other people, but my hurt is more than anyone who gives a sh*ts combined.

I don’t want to be here, I never have and I don’t think I will ever do.

I don’t know what to do anymore. Tuesday went Ok with the CPN, she was really nice as usual and generally wants to help, but I genuinely think she can’t.

Cut myself up pretty bad these past few days, I am sick of causing more damage to myself. I don’t want to do it, but I have to. I went to my doctors to see a nurse to get it checked out, but the receptionists were all staring at me and asking me what I had done and such in front of other people. I really didn’t want it broadcasting.

I had found a safe place to be, but someone started giving me abuse because they said they wanted to die and should die and I said, probably wrong choice of words, but “No, please don’t die, that would be silly” So, now, I have no safe place to be. Perhaps I am the one that should really die.

CPN wants to do drawing and stuff next week, I don’t want to, but I am crap at talking therapy, in fact, I am crap at everything. I don’t know where I stand anymore, or even if I do stand. I am sick of going places and feeling like I just want to drop dead in front of people.

I am not in the mood for this.

It’s CPN time tomorrow morning. Oh Joy! Woop Woop!

10.30am, she knows I always cry on a morning session, something about them just gets to me. Why do they only think you are making progress if you are crying? It’s like crying makes us normal, but the fact is, i am sad and cry too much and that is concidered abnormal. It’s confusing. I arn’t even going to mention mind games to her because she will just get the crisis team involved like last time.

The previous time I am talking about was the time I went for a weekly meeting with CPN, only to find out when I walked into the meeting room that there was not just me and CPN, but instead me, her, 2 crisis team members, a student and DR.R That was pretty shocking, I did indeed go very off the rails at that point.  I like to talk about this incident alot with CPN, she always appologises profoundly for not informing me.

I was supposed to be writing down how I feel to take in but I can’t be bothered. Thats how I feel. I still can’t believe I took a huge knife into my meeting and had it taken off me. I feel embaressed to go back, what was I thinking?

My mum gets back from holiday tomorrow, I don’t know wether to tell her what happened or not. I want to tell her, but she will end up forcing me to move back to Yorkshire because “newcastle is not safe” I can’t be dealing with that, but then I can’t be dealing with a rape all on my own. It’s unfair, I should have my mum, but, meh, she would only tell my step-dad and he will love it. I don’t want him to know. My mum wont keep it secret, I dont trust her.

CPN called me on friday, she told me to contact all these rape numbers, I feel like she is passing me on, I want to turn to her for support, I have spent a year building that up with her, but as I am finally starting to give in, it seems, or feel like to me that she just sees me as a Rape Victim and not the person that I was before, who was (in her words) “Impulsive, Angry, untreatable, depressed, lonely girl” Are the Rape crisis people going to fix that too? I have just literally argued myself into a bad mood against her, I don’t know why I feel the need to do this.

Rant OVER.

I fear I am going to hospitalize myself. I can’t cope anymore and I just don’t want to live, I want to throw myself down on to the floor and never get up.

My heads full of thoughs, a trip to the shops today made me think all of this…

I think that people sat behind me on the bus are laughing at the way my hair looks from the back, I bet they are all glad that I didn’t sit near them and when I get on a bus and head upstairs, I think that everyone on the lower floor are all praising the lord that I didn’t sit downstairs.

I think that people in cars are laughing at me and that they all laugh about me for the rest of their journey. And people who pass me on the streets look me up and down and feel ashamed that they are human just like me. They probably wonder where the hell I crawled out from.

My family tell me it’s good to be normal, but really they are disappointed in me and feel that they have failed somewhere along the line. I see that look in their faces every time I see them, now I live far away I don’t have to see it anymore. God knows what my friends all think of me… It hurts to think about how horrible and accurate they could be at the same time.

I feel i will never amount to anything, there is nothing out there for me, nothing that will make me happy, no higher purpose or power. There is just no reason for me. There is also nothing worth passing on to another generation.

I feel I am trapped in a child’s body and mind and that I am in one big continuous sulk and I wont get out of it as I am stubbornly keeping it up spiting only myself.

Life is one big sulk.